Am I Good Enough?

Lately, I’ve been struggling with rejection. I applied to graduate school and things haven’t been working out the way that I hoped. My programs in general find out later than the average programs so I’ve had to be patient and wait for quite a bit.

I’ve also been so lucky to see my friends receive their acceptances and plan for their “new lives”! And don’t get me wrong, I am actually so so excited for them! I am proud of the work that they’ve done and am looking to see where it takes them. They are good enough. They deserved to get in!

I’m just ready for it to be my turn soon. Now that’s not to say I’m not going to get in and I’m only going to feel rejection… But that is my reality now. The 2 programs I’ve been turned down from now are really competitive. Like, one of them only accepted 4 people! I didn’t expect to get into that. The other only looked at marks. I know that my strengths lie in my extracurriculars.

However, it still sucks. I know that it’s not a failure but it still feels like one. In my head, I keep hearing, “you’re not good enough”, and “you don’t deserve to get in”. I want to believe that I will but I honestly really don’t think that I will. And that sucks. I ask myself why I can look at my friends and be so happy for them and think they deserve it but don’t think that of myself? 

I guess it’s because everyone in my life has always told me “you get everything you want“, “you’re so successful and it’s hard to be around that”, and “well things have always worked out for you”. What they don’t realize is that’s not true. When things work out, it’s because I’ve put my all into that and worked damn hard to get there. And I have experienced a lot of rejection in my life! No more and no less than your average person.  I’ve never been one to be insecure or pessimistic but I can’t figure out how to not be in this situation. I just wanted a win – in whatever capacity it found itself to me. This year, I feel like I’ve experience roadblock after roadblock and I just wanted to knock a roadblock out of the way for once.

The thing that’s been the hardest is I always find out when I’m actually having a great day! I understand I have to find out at some point but can’t I just enjoy my good days and be happy when I have them? 

So I’m not giving up. I know that those programs weren’t meant to be and hoping that another one will be. I want to be my optimistic self and say that everything happens for a reason and the plan that is right for me, will be the one I follow. I am filled with love and hope! I am good enough, I do deserve to get in and I know that I am not my rejection!

Missing her but Moving Forwards

This past Sunday night, I had my final QDC dance recital. I am not sentimental in the way that I don’t really cry when things are over. However, in my last dance, we were told to think about someone special. I thought about my grandmother, my Bubby. I held it together all weekend but before the last dance I knew it was different. I thought of her. I danced for her. And I cried for her.

Every day I think of her. I think of her smile, how she made me feel and how much I miss her. I think about all of the times she held me close and told me everything was going to be okay.

I’m feeling better and in a much better place than I was a few months ago but I still miss her very very much! I’ve thought a lot about her and all of the things that she has been missing since she has been gone. Then I have to remember all of the beautiful, wonderful and amazing things that she was there for and I start to feel better. But I know I can’t be happy-go-lucky all the time. It’s ok to feel upset and feel so alone. I feel sad when I think that she won’t be here for some of the most important things to come in my life. However, I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system in my life.

Grief is something I really had to come face to face with this year – both my own and the grief of others. And while it is the worst pain I have ever felt, I know that it is making me a stronger person and teaching me how to really learn from difficult situations.

Grief is hard – it makes you feel as if your heart is constantly breaking and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It’s weird to think of something so horrible as permanent. But there are a few things that I have really learned through this all.

1. Grief is not a quick fix – you will go through ups and downs. Some days are better than others and it may hit you out of the blue. For me, a dance recital triggered me but for others it can be something completely different. You will experience every negative emotion and feel as if you will never get through it. But you will. And you will be stronger for it.
2. Lean on those around you – This is something I have been struggling with. I’ve always been “the helper“. It’s been hard to be so vulnerable and let people in but the people you care about will be there for you. They will drop everything just to make sure you are okay. These are the people to keep around. They will understand that it may take days, weeks or months to feel like yourself again.
3. It’s okay to be happy – Sometimes, I feel guilty for not being emotional. I feel as if I should be sad because she was so important to me. However, while it’s okay to be sad and trust me, I have been, it’s also okay to be happy. I know that is what she would want from me. 

So I’m going to keep laughing. I’m going to smile and try my best to be okay. I know that it’s not a linear path and I will experience more roadblocks. But, I also know that she will be there to cheer me on from the side of the road!!

In Memory of my Bubby Sylvia!