Lately, I’ve been struggling with rejection. I applied to graduate school and things haven’t been working out the way that I hoped. My programs in general find out later than the average programs so I’ve had to be patient and wait for quite a bit.
I’ve also been so lucky to see my friends receive their acceptances and plan for their “new lives”! And don’t get me wrong, I am actually so so excited for them! I am proud of the work that they’ve done and am looking to see where it takes them. They are good enough. They deserved to get in!
I’m just ready for it to be my turn soon. Now that’s not to say I’m not going to get in and I’m only going to feel rejection… But that is my reality now. The 2 programs I’ve been turned down from now are really competitive. Like, one of them only accepted 4 people! I didn’t expect to get into that. The other only looked at marks. I know that my strengths lie in my extracurriculars.
However, it still sucks. I know that it’s not a failure but it still feels like one. In my head, I keep hearing, “you’re not good enough”, and “you don’t deserve to get in”. I want to believe that I will but I honestly really don’t think that I will. And that sucks. I ask myself why I can look at my friends and be so happy for them and think they deserve it but don’t think that of myself?
I guess it’s because everyone in my life has always told me “you get everything you want“, “you’re so successful and it’s hard to be around that”, and “well things have always worked out for you”. What they don’t realize is that’s not true. When things work out, it’s because I’ve put my all into that and worked damn hard to get there. And I have experienced a lot of rejection in my life! No more and no less than your average person. I’ve never been one to be insecure or pessimistic but I can’t figure out how to not be in this situation. I just wanted a win – in whatever capacity it found itself to me. This year, I feel like I’ve experience roadblock after roadblock and I just wanted to knock a roadblock out of the way for once.
The thing that’s been the hardest is I always find out when I’m actually having a great day! I understand I have to find out at some point but can’t I just enjoy my good days and be happy when I have them?
So I’m not giving up. I know that those programs weren’t meant to be and hoping that another one will be. I want to be my optimistic self and say that everything happens for a reason and the plan that is right for me, will be the one I follow. I am filled with love and hope! I am good enough, I do deserve to get in and I know that I am not my rejection!
Laughter 