This past Sunday night, I had my final QDC dance recital. I am not sentimental in the way that I don’t really cry when things are over. However, in my last dance, we were told to think about someone special. I thought about my grandmother, my Bubby. I held it together all weekend but before the last dance I knew it was different. I thought of her. I danced for her. And I cried for her.
Every day I think of her. I think of her smile, how she made me feel and how much I miss her. I think about all of the times she held me close and told me everything was going to be okay.
I’m feeling better and in a much better place than I was a few months ago but I still miss her very very much! I’ve thought a lot about her and all of the things that she has been missing since she has been gone. Then I have to remember all of the beautiful, wonderful and amazing things that she was there for and I start to feel better. But I know I can’t be happy-go-lucky all the time. It’s ok to feel upset and feel so alone. I feel sad when I think that she won’t be here for some of the most important things to come in my life. However, I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system in my life.
Grief is something I really had to come face to face with this year – both my own and the grief of others. And while it is the worst pain I have ever felt, I know that it is making me a stronger person and teaching me how to really learn from difficult situations.
Grief is hard – it makes you feel as if your heart is constantly breaking and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It’s weird to think of something so horrible as permanent. But there are a few things that I have really learned through this all.
- Grief is not a quick fix – you will go through ups and downs. Some days are better than others and it may hit you out of the blue. For me, a dance recital triggered me but for others it can be something completely different. You will experience every negative emotion and feel as if you will never get through it. But you will. And you will be stronger for it.
- Lean on those around you – This is something I have been struggling with. I’ve always been “the helper“. It’s been hard to be so vulnerable and let people in but the people you care about will be there for you. They will drop everything just to make sure you are okay. These are the people to keep around. They will understand that it may take days, weeks or months to feel like yourself again.
- It’s okay to be happy – Sometimes, I feel guilty for not being emotional. I feel as if I should be sad because she was so important to me. However, while it’s okay to be sad and trust me, I have been, it’s also okay to be happy. I know that is what she would want from me.
So I’m going to keep laughing. I’m going to smile and try my best to be okay. I know that it’s not a linear path and I will experience more roadblocks. But, I also know that she will be there to cheer me on from the side of the road!!
In Memory of my Bubby Sylvia!
Laughter 